Sunday, 30 December 2007

Seventeen Rules for Real Men

1. It is never okay for real men to eat quiche.

2. Bacardi breezers are for girls only.

3. Real men must never have cats as pets. Instead, they must own a dog. Real men type dogs are: rottweilers, Alsatians (never ever call them German Shepherds!), great danes, bulldogs or Staffordshire bull terriers. These breeds of dog are more commonly known as, devil dogs. They must have names like Satan or Lucifer.

4. It is only okay to kiss another male when that male is your brother and you are Al Pacino, and this is the only sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you must have him killed.

5. It is only acceptable to hug another male on two occasions:
  • You are performing the Heimlich Manoeuvre. In this case, you must shout, “I am dislodging food trapped in this man’s trachea! I am in no way aroused!”
  • Your team has just won a cup of any description.

6. A real man must ignore or deny physical pain. Even if you have taken a bullet to the arm, you must insist that it is only a ‘flesh wound’. You must then lock yourself in the bathroom in order to cry/muffle your screams with the loofah/pass out whilst still retaining your masculinity.

7. A real man will call a woman who will not sleep with him on the first date either a lesbian or frigid. If she does sleep with him on the first date, then she is therefore a slut and not to be trusted around other men.

8. Having Match of the Day on the TV during sex is the equivalent of having a Barry White album playing softly, and a room full of rose petals and candles.

9. If you can’t take ‘it’ then you’re not a real man (whatever ‘it’ may be). Gird your loins and get on with it.

10. Real men never admit to not understanding a political issue. Opinions are like pubic hair. You’re not an adult male without them.

11. Real men never have to consult the TV guide when there’s a remote control handy. They just dive-bomb through all 100 channels, evading the adverts like they do the G-spot.

12. Real men never ask, “How was it for you?” because real men don’t care. Real men also explain to their partner, in explicit detail, how their previous girlfriend was better/sexier/more adventurous etc than them.

13. Real men, when their partner is around, flick aloofly through their issue of Playboy or Mayfair as if it were a Reader’s Digest. When with their mates, they describe in detail exactly what they would like to do to each model. When alone, they study and quantify each curve like a forensic scientist.

14. Real men earn more money than their partners. In the unlikely event that they don’t, real men will continuously put their partner and their ‘mediocre’ career down, chipping away at their self-esteem, yet still accept money for ‘essentials’ i.e. booze, fags, strip clubs etc.

15. Real men expect women to dress up each and every time they have sex i.e. stockings, suspenders, basque etc. However, real men will not even bother to wash beforehand and will keep their socks on.

16. Real men consider any female fair game, whether this be their partner's sister, best-friend, mother, the next door neighbor etc. If real men have their advances rejected, they automatically assume that the female in question is a lesbian.

17. Real men are only permitted to cry on two occasions:
  • Your team loses.
  • You receive a punch/kick to the nuts.

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